


Fall | Kagehina

by AFFLXENZA



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Cross-Posted on Wattpad, Emotional Hurt, Fanfiction, Grief/Mourning, Hurt No Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, LGBTQ Character, LGBTQ Themes, M/M, Suicide, Trauma
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-14
Updated: 2020-12-23
Packaged: 2021-03-08 20:42:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 10
Words: 13,643
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27192586
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AFFLXENZA/pseuds/AFFLXENZA
Summary: in which kageyama deals with the aftermath of hinata's life after death and hinata reflects on the moments that led up to it.
Relationships: Hinata Shouyou/Kageyama Tobio
Comments: 20
Kudos: 84





	1. Prologue [K]

**Author's Note:**

> This story is inspired by a TikTok from @ _kuroos.girlfriend_
> 
> The main idea of her tiktok will be the prologue and it kicks off the rest of the story.
> 
> The chapters will switch tenses and point of views. All odd chapters are the past in Hinata's eyes and all the even chapters are the present in Kageyama's eyes. 
> 
> Also! I understand the actual timeline and number of games/tournaments does NOT work this way in the anime. Yet for the sake of keeping the third years in this book we're gonna pretend it is. Grief and relationship building takes a lot longer than the actual anime. Basically, try not to pay mention to anything about the validity of time passing and just enjoy the story :)
> 
> There will be triggering subjects but I will ALWAYS put a trigger warning in the chapter summaries to keep you guys safe!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW: throw up, hallucinations, mention of death, public embarrassment
> 
> Sum: Kageyama plays his first game w/o Hinata and messes up big time.

I breathe heavily, the game already being a pain in the ass compared to those before. I swear to work my hardest though, it took way too much begging and pleading for me to get where I am anyway. 

I have to do good today.

I have to prove to everyone that I am okay.

I haven't slept the same in the last two weeks. I haven't been able to eat as much or drink as much. Even my hygiene habits have become garbage but that's expected right? It doesn't mean I'm not okay. It just means I'm grieving, just like everyone else around me is grieving.

"Kageyama, you ready?" Daichi asks to put my focus back on what is currently happening. I nod my head as the game begins, my thoughts becoming slightly sidetracked. Part of me feels as though maybe this all is too soon. Maybe I should have let Coach Ukai put Sugawara in. I just, I didn't want to seem selfish to them. I mean in their eyes, we all knew him the same. That short little boy was our teammate, our friend, they couldn't possibly know that for me he was, no he is, someone else. 

The game goes on slowly in my eyes, it's still early on but every moment is excruciating. My muscles are sore already, most likely from the lack of sleep. My breath is heavy and my lungs burn. It becomes all I can think of until I hear my teammate's voice.

"It's coming to you Kageyama!"

My heart beat quickens and I immediately put my focus back into the game. I can't mess up. I can't make any one worry about me, the ball.

I have to set the ball.

I have to feel it on my fingerprints.

I have to do this the same way I've done thousands of times before.

"Kageyama bring it here!"

My heartbeat jumps out of my chest immediately. My heart beat quickens to an excruciating pace as I hear his voice . It hurts. Damn it hurts.

I can see his look of determination. Those brown eyes wanting nothing but to see the other side of that wall. Now is the perfect time for a quick attack and he wants this ball more than anything else. I can see the look of a crow ready to take flight and so I take a deep breath and send it to him.

I send the ball to Hinata.

Yet, when I turn around he isn't there.

His bright orange hair is no where in sight, his brown irises aren't barely surrounding those dark determined pupils, and I can't hear the sound of his hands hitting the ball with every ounce of power inside of him. My heart drops as I see the ball fall, it falls slowly and somehow I become painfully aware of every eye in the room on me. The looks of shock in the stands, the worry of my team's, and worst of all the pity sent to me by Aoba Johsai as the ball falls. 

In middle school I thought that being abandoned by my teammates would be the worst thing to ever happened to me. At this moment though, the sound of the ball hitting the ground hurts a thousand times worse and when my mind momentarily flashes back to the sickening sound of Hinata from that horrible night. I feel as though there could be no greater pain on the court than the pain I'm feeling at this moment.

When time comes back the court has become completely silent, those in the stands who know about the tragedy go silent as well. Those who don't you can hear murmuring to one another about what's happening.

My chest heats up and moves down to my stomach. I feel like I'm dying but I'm not and the urge to puke up my guts is unbearable. When my eyes gloss over I'm immediately met with the worried and shocked eyes of Oikawa. I see pity and it pisses me off. I never want to see that look in his eyes.

"Damn it," I let out clenching my jaw in an attempt to avoid breaking down.

"Kageyama he's-" Sugawara begins but I can't hold in the bile in the back of my throat any longer and fall down emptying the water from my stomach. It's not like I had any food to bring up anyway. 

I try to hold myself together staring at the puddle in front of me but the twisted mixture of embarrassment, anger, and deep sadness becomes too much as I break down into tears.

I cry for the loss of my teammate.

I sob for the loss of my best friend.

I clench my shirt in sorrow for my lover.

The pain that I had been avoiding comes up in horrible waves that I can't seem to avoid. None of this is fair to us. Our team was perfect, my relationship with him was perfect, but for some reason it wasn't perfect for him.

God I should have been good enough for him.

I'm so fucking sorry Hinata.

I stop caring about who might be around me as my body wreaks with sobs. The façade I've carried for so long is crumbling. I can't convince myself that everything is going to be okay because the reality is in front of me.

Hinata is gone.

What hurts even worse though.

Is that it's all my fault.

10/14/20


	2. Best Friends [H]

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hinata and Kageyama have a discussion about sexuality on their way to practice.

Kageyama had quickly become my best friend in those days. To anyone else, it was most likely an odd pairing but for me it just made sense. Granted, there were plenty of differences that did have an effect on us. Specifically, his vulgar language, impulsive tendencies of anger, and lack of emotional expression.

We found out though, that those differences could become strengths when put together. I was overly emotional but embarrassed easily, on the other hand, it wasn't easy to embarrass Kageyama and so he stood up for me. When he tried to pick a fight, I was there to hold him back. We were there for each other to complete the faults that each of us were aware of and it made us better, it made us stronger.

We were best friends and everyone knew that.

Though the conversation that took our friendship into a whole other direction wasn't even long at all.

"KAGEYAMAA!!" I bounced meeting him where our paths merged toward the school.

"Not in the mood today," he grumbled, referring to the race that would normally occur shortly after our paths became one.

"Is there anything I can do?" I asked sending a bubbly smile his way earning only a shrug in return. I pouted at his lack of response noticing quickly he was in a bad mood "Well then, I guess that's a no."

"Stop pouting dumbasss it doesn't suit you," He glared and I smiled recognizing his hostile personality was still intact.

"Today's gonna be so boring," I sighed earning a ruffle of my hair from the taller male. "Hey! What was that for!"

"You're cute," He admitted casually causing my face to heat up quickly. I panicked not knowing what to say and looked toward Kageyama for any signs of a fluster and found none. He was completely mellow with only a hint of a smirk upon his face.

"I- I wasn't expecting that from you," I admitted rubbing the back of my head trying to gain composure.

"I was hoping to see some of that competitive nature slip out of you," he told me taking a sip of the chocolate milk in his hand.

"Anything I said back to that would make things awkward," I huffed.

"Why?" 

"We're both guys Kageyama!" I yelled out embarrassed causing Kageyama to stop in his tracks and bend down toward my eye level and tilt his head.

"Why should that even matter?" He questioned causing my heart to start beating a little faster. I'd be lying if I had said I'd never felt any attraction to the first year setter. I mean he was hot and I was a teenager boy with hormones like anyone else.

"I-I'm pan Kageyama, I understand you might be able to make those kinds of jokes with other guys but I really don't want to catch feelings." I laughed out sending him a smile.

"Hinata you dumbass," He sighed out pinching his nose in frustration.

"Hey! What's that for?" I questioned immediately catching on to his frustrated movement.

"Nothing you're just an idiot," he replied suddenly picking up his speed toward the highschool. I followed after him trying to match pace but he kept speeding quicker.

"Hey! I thought you said you didn't want to do this today," I yelled causing a glare to come my way.

"I didn't!" He yelled out suddenly pushing himself forward into a full fledged sprint. 

"KAGEYAMAA!" I yelled out after him trying to catch up. He didn't reply and instead kept running at full speed. I caught up quickly, the two of us continuously speeding up to keep up with the other. 

Those races were one of my favorite parts of the entire day. It felt like we were pushing each other to our best constantly, it was one of the only moments off the court where I got the same thrill, the same drive to do better.

We arrived at the school quickly neither of us letting up as we raced toward the gym the same way we always would. As a matter of fact, as our destination became nearer, our competition became more agressive which was ultimately a mistake as both of us ran face first into the door.

"I need to remind myself competing with you always end up with my ass on the ground," Kageyama panted out sending a glare my way.

"It's not my fault you always have the need to beat me," I smiled at him wiping away some sweat from my forehead.

"I literally told you I didn't want to race you today idiot," He argued.

"Yeah but you're the one that started walking faster," I retorted.

"You didn't have to follow me."

"We literally walk to practice together every day."

"Yeah well your dumbassery was frustrating me."

"Hey what did I do!"

"Kageyama, Hinata?" Sugawara questioned opening up the gym doors and noticing the two of us on the ground arguing like idiots already drenched in sweat despite the fact practice hadn't even begun yet.

"Did you two race here again!? I literally told you two morons to not wear yourself before practice anymore," Daichi scolded walking up to us after Suga.

"I told you it was a bad idea to compete today," Kageyama growled.

"It was literally you who started it," I whined out not wanting Kageyama to make me look bad in front of our upperclassmen.

"Only because you were being a dumbass!"

"Can you stop calling me that?"

"Only if you stop being a dumbass."

"Enough!" Daichi cut in ready to tear us a new one.

"Listen, as much as I know the bickering between you two is friendly, I think it'd be best for the team right now if the both of you let go whatever it is that happened earlier and instead come practice," Sugawara said stepping in. I silently thanked him for not allwoing us to get yelled at by Daichi and got up alongside Kageyama.

"Alright, we'll be there in a minute. I just beed to talk to shorty for a second and I promise I'll be nice," Kageyama replied crossing his arms. I could see let out a long sigh scratching the back of his head before nodding.

"Okay just don't take long, I want to discuss some ideas I have with you two," he informed.

"We wont be long," I assured with a convincing smiled, despite not actually knowing what Kageyama wanted to talk about.

I watched as our two upperclassmen walked into the gym doors seeming a tad less tense and turned to Kageyama who seemed to be carrying some sort of burden. He let put a sigh and rubbed his forehead as if he had a head ache. I silently hoped that the run wasn't making him feel sick or something.

"Kageyama are you okay?" I asked concerned and he smiled lighly causing me to take a step back. It wasn't one of his forced smiles either that looked forced and terrifying. It looked genuine which was all the more confusingz "Uh Kageyama?"

"It's just what you said earlier," He replied stepping closer toward me, " I mean you really don't get it do you?"

"Uhm Ka-Kageyama," I stuttered not knowing what to say. His presence made me flustered and blush as he was closer to me than he ever normally was. I expected him to say more but instead he just continued to stare at me as if to wait for my reply. "I really don't understand what you're trying to get at."

"Hinata, I'm gay." Was his only response causing my cheeks to burn and glow. My whole body jerked away with him as I filled with heat and embarrassment.

"YOU'RE GAY!?"

10/16/20


	3. Silence [K]

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW: fighting, mention of death, small description of suicide witness, feelings of worthlessness.
> 
> Kageyama and Tsukishima argue due to Kageyama’s unrelenting melancholy.

The silence after an incident like this one is deafening. I of course, immediately get benched by Coach Ukai as the game continues. I don't argue though and instead accept it as I watch the game continue.

It's not as fun to watch now as it was before. It's not the first time I've been benched but this is different. Both teams are uneasy after my breakdown. As much as Seijoh is full of assholes, I can tell they don't want to be known as the dickwads that absolutely crushed the team with a dead teammate.

Even with them going easy as hell on us though, we're still looking towards a devastating defeat. Everyone on the court is playing with little to no spirit, the looks in their eyes are just unmotivated, almost numb. Definitely not what you'd expect from anyone that was just winning against top teams only a few weeks ago.

Then again, that was a Karasuno with Hinata.

This is Karasuno without him.

I know my teammates are good players, amazing even, but with Hinata it felt like every wall in front of us could be blown away. He conquered everything in front of him no matter what the challenge and yes our team does that too. It's just Hinata that lit the fire and without that spark, we don't even know how to create a single flame.

I feel like they know that too, even before my accident our game was off. I think what I did was just another knock to the gut while we're already down if I'm being honest.

The game goes on as anyone could expect, both teams play with minimal enthusiasm or vigor and eventually, we lose. No one cheers for them though, and we don't seem to acknowledge the loss too harshly. No tears are shed, nobody looks filled with anger, they just look numb as I join them to line up along the court and give thanks for the game. 

Our walk toward the bus is silent, no one dares speak a word. Takeda doesn't try to give any uplifting words nor does Coach Ukai scold us. In my head, I can hear Hinata singing some stupid song but I know it's not real.

The same way I know that the presence of his I feel next to me on the bus isn't real either. God I wish he was here for me to hold his hand, or even just to watch sleep.

I miss him so much.

"I don't regret this," I hear Noya's voice from the front of the bus. He gets out of the seat and and looks st the floor shaking.

"Nishinoya," Asahi whispers trying to grab his hand but it's swiped away as Noya instead takes a fistful of his shirt and clenches his teeth.

"Today was terrible," he cries out saying the obvious, "but if I were to go back I'd do it again. Coach Ukai was right we aren't ready to play without him yet. It hurts so bad. All I could think about was his missing voice, his stupid remarks about the other team. His loss was painfully obvious."

"What's your point in this," Tsukishima cuts in accusatory. Immediately, Noya clutches his hand and points at me.

"You know, if we didn't play today Hinata would have kicked our asses." he sobs out and the entire team starts to cry their hearts out alongside him. "That includes you Kageyama, I know today was probably so embarrassing for you. But-but Hinata would want you to move on!"

"You don't understand Noya, I can't go on without him," I reply my voice small.

"Kageyama what do you mean?" Sugawara whispers from in front of me, clearly recognizing that there's something else behind my words. He seems worried, scared even

"I mean he was mine," I cry out of my chest heaving without my control. "He was MY spiker, he was my best friend. He was mine."

"Kageyama," Yamaguchi whispers.

"You don't understand," I say looking away from their swollen eyes. God they could never understand.

"YOU ASSHOLE," Tsukishima growls out not leaving his seat.

"What the fuck did you just say to me," I ask glaring. He doesn't reply and instead jumps out of his seat stepping over Yamaguchi and grabs me from mine by my collar. I don't fight though, I see the tears streaming down his face and the way his hand is shaking and so I hold back the urge to beat his ass. I never thought he cared this much about Hinata.

"He was our teammate too asshole!" He yells out, "I didn't hold Tadashi's crying body for a straight week just for your sorry ass to act like we don't understand. He was OUR friend. He was OUR TEAMMATE."

"Tsukishima," Tanaka speaks lowly as a threat. I suddenly feel myself get pissed and no longer feel the urge to hold in my anger.

"WHAT IF YOU WATCHED YAMAGUCHI DIE HUH?" I yell out. I can immediately feel his body stop shaking and still. His tears of fury stop streaming as mine begin. "You heard me right! What if it was him. You didn't watch Hinata that night. I was the one who SAW his body hit the ground. I was the one who heard the sickening crack that killed him. I was the one who held his body in my arms as I cried helplessly for him to say anything but he didn't. It was ME who was there and it's MY fault that he's dead."

No one one says anything as Tsukishima slowly lets me go to slump in my seat. I can tell everyone is staring at me but I don't pay any mind to it. I don't want to talk about it anymore.

Soon I feel the bus start driving again. I didn't even know we stopped if I'm being honest. Then again, I'm sure Takeda was worried about us getting hurt with all the movement. Part of me wonders why Coach Ukai didn't step in either. I'm sure he just doesn't know what to do. None of us do. 

I do feel a little bad for going into detail about how Hinata died. Everyone already knows that he fell but they don't know the details. The crack his body made... it haunts me every single night. I don't want them to know about it. I don't want them to be able to imagine Hinata in the way I saw him. 

I always knew I'd know things about him that the others would never know. I know where every birthmark on his body was. I know the way his chest felt against mine, the way his face scrunched up in his sleep. Those were things I welcomed gladly, I treasured them.

Of all the positions I've seen Hinata in, the one from that night I never ever wanted too. 

"Okay boys, I want you all to sit down in the gym. I know that it's late and you all probably want to get home but... I think we all need to talk," Coach Ukai speaks looking at me. We all nod our heads tiredly making our ways off of the bus. I was the last one though, taking my time toward the gym.

When I sit down it seems everyone has already made themselves comfortable. Normally, I'd be the first one in the gym but I'm not really sure what the point is anymore. It's not like there's anyone to compete with.

"Today was rough," Coach puts it simply shaking his head, "I just want you to know I'm proud of you."

"What for," Yamaguchi asks his eyes starting to tear up, "we looked like jokes."

"Tadashi," Sugawara scolds motherly.

"No, he's right," Daichi sighs looking at the celing.

"We looked like we've never even played before," Asahi replies.

"I love you guys," Kiyoko suddenly admits. Normally, Tanaka and Noya would gush but there was something in the air that made us all know to not say a word. "I feel... I feel like I don't say it to you guys the way I should but I've always loved you all. That's why I've managed you for so long... I mean, it definitely wasn't because I love volleyball."

The boys take in her words completely. I can feel the pain rolling off them all in loads. Some of them most likely thinking about their last words to Hinata, and others thinking about how lucky they are to have Kiyoko. I grieve alongside of them and silently come to the realization that they can never know my secret. 

I realize that I can't be their team mate with so much to hide frome them.

"Maybe... maybe I should quite the team," I breathe out immediately bringing all eyes on me.

"Kageyama?"

10/18/20


	4. Teammate [H]

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hinata reflects on Kageyama’s coming out and gets distracted during practice. Kageyama takes notice and questions him.

We didn't talk about it at first, no, we just ignored it as though it never happened. Kageyama and I were best friends who had just discovered that our second half was technically available to be more than that. I really didn't know how to explain it back then but there was something so piercing about knowing Kageyama was gay.

I had to keep those thoughts in the back of my head though. I didn't let them out ever. I didn't ask him about it, I didn't think about it on the court, instead I simply played my hardest.

Kageyama and I were best friends.

But first, we were teammates.

It's just, sometimes holding feelings would become a losing game and everything you thought that you were supposed to keep to yourself would just... fall.

"Hey Hinata?" Kageyama asked one day on the way back home from practice one night. I was pulled out of my trance by his words looking up to see him, my eyes previously glued to the ground.

"Yeah, what's up?" I asked scratching the back of my head with a closed eye grin. I wanted to act normal with him even though I held so many questions.

"You've been acting different," he stated simply, he stopped suddenly and looked behind him towards me. He tilted his head as if he was trying to read something about me. He stepped closer and crouched down to my eye level looking me directly in the eyes causing my cheeks to immediately heat up. Silently, I cursed my body for reacting when my mind told it not to.

"Hah, I'm not sure what you're talking about," I lied, not really wanting to have the conversation I was keeping to myself.

"You're a dumbass."

"Hey! I didn't do anything to you," I yelled. I could see him getting irked as the aura around him grew darker.

"You keep getting distracted when you hit my spikes. I can tell when you're hiding something from me you idiot," He told me, his voice low. I blushed lightly trying to look for the correct words so I could tell Kageyama exactly how I felt.

"You see, I just wanted to know what the point of what you told me the other week was," I blushed out, finally admitting the thoughts that were stuck on my mind.

"What are you talking about?" He asked oblivious and I let out an elongated sigh.

"Don't even worry about it Kageyama, it's really nothing," I smiled hoping to move on to something more entertaining. Though, I should have remembered how relentless Kageyama was.

"Stop trying to avoid talking to me," he demanded picking me up by the back of my shirt.

"Hey! You're gonna rip it!" I demanded faliling my arms and kicking him.

"Stop kicking me dumbass!!" he shouted and so I did what he asked, making my body go limp in his hand.

"I know you're trying to make yourself heavier but you're literally a shrimp Hinata," He laughed making a smile that wasn't scary like his forced ones. It was genuine, the kind I normally only saw during volleyball. I really liked that smile of his, especially when it was directed towards me. It made me feel special.

"I might be small but I can jump," I grinned instead of arguing with him for calling me a shrimp. I saw a light blush spread across his cheeks. It wasn't noticeable, just the kind that lightly sprinkled his cheekbone. I could barely see it directly under the light from a lamp post.

"Speaking of jumping, you still need to tell me what's on your mind." he replied suddenly becoming serious again. I whined and flailed my legs around trying to make him let go of me so I could try running off again

"Let me go Kageyama!" I yelled out but he didn't budge.

"Not until you tell me!" He shouted back.

"Why do you even care," I muttered, already tired of bickering with him. I earned a dark stare in return from the setter in front of me that I wasn't expecting.

"You're my teammate Hinata, I set the ball to whoever is going to help us win. If you're playing like shit, that person obviously won't be you," he spoke seriously.

"You're so serious sometimes, and besides it really wouldn't hurt you to use some kinder words instead of being so vulgar," I accused.

"Stop avoiding the topic Hinata"

"Fine, why did you tell me you're gay right after I told you I was pan and didn't want to catch feelings for you. I keep thinking about the context of the conversation and I really don't understand your intentions," I admitted barely looking him in the eyes. I could see the presence of some sort of shock cross his face as well as the same blush from moments earlier.

"Hinata, you're seriously so dense," He replied not even looking me in the eye.

"I'm really not good with details," I muttered out. I was a little embarrassed by his statement and so I immediately became shy, contrary to my normal, bubbly personality.

"Hinata, do you... trust me?" Kageyama asked, suddenly dropping me to the save pavement below us. His hair dropped in front of his eyes as he looked toward the ground, in that moment he looked different than I'd ever seen him before. He looked almost... vulnerable.

"Of course I trust you Kageyama, you're my team~"

"Teammate, yeah I know that Hinata." He cut me off.

"Then what are you asking me?" I questioned getting slightly defensive. I didn't like the Kageyama talking to me at the moment. It was like he was trying to knock down walls and build them at the same time. It was annoying and kept me guessing.

"I mean off the court Hinata, do you trust me then? I already know you'll blindly hit any ball I sendyour way. My question is whether you'll be able to blindly trust me after what I do, if I assure you the two of us will be alright." He told me going on a slight rant. I clenched my fists tightly believing his question was that of a stupid one.

"Of course I trust you Kageyama," I said not being able to make eye contact. I could feel my face flush with embarrassment almost immediately, not in the same way Kageyama's did. No, I was sure mine was a bright red compared to his soft pink.

"Thank you," he replied suddenly engulfing me in a hug. I was shocked at first, my heart picking up at a rapid pace but I accepted the hug anyway.At the reciprocation he tightened his grip squeezing me lightly and nuzzling his head into my neck causing me to giggle.

"Who knew you were such a big softie," I laughed out loud.

"Shut up dumbass let me have this," He whispered into my ear causing me to burn up even more.

"You still never explained your context to me," I mumbled.

"You told me that you were pan so I didn't give you false hopes correct?" Kageyamaa asked me in a serious tone and I nodded my head. "I told you I was gay so you'd know that those hopes weren't false."

"What do you mean?"

"I wanted you to know you have a chance with me."

10/20/20


	5. Bench Warmer [K]

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW// feelings of worthlessness, grieving
> 
> Sum: Kageyama discusses his place on the team and deals with his aching feelings begging to come forward.

I can feel all eyes on me immediately; each one giving off different judgements. I was aware making a statement like this would cause some argument but it feels like it'd be the best for the team. There's no way I can play to my fullest when thinking about Hinata, especially when his touch still lingers on my skin.

"Can you shut the fuck up already," Tsukishima responds giving me an uninterested scowl. I don't get pissed this time though, feeling completely and utterly defeated, I only look toward the ground. I hope he calls me a pussy or a coward because he's right. I hope he's thinking the worst of me right now because I am too.

I don't want their support right now. I want them to tell me all the things I already know. I want them to tell me I'm a complete idiot and that I don't deserve a team I'd give up on because they're right; I don't deserve them. I want them to hate me and tell me just how useless I am. I'm so fucking worthless, I couldn't even save him.

"You're not quitting the team," Daichi states simply. He doesn't say anything else and instead steps out of the way for Sugawara to approach me.

"You seem to have forgetten that I'm the official Karasuno setter huh?" He questions with a soft smile, "I'm sorry, you're not touching the court for a long time Kageyama but you are not quitting this team."

"What are you saying," I ask tiredly.

"What he's saying is that of today you're officially with me," Yamaguchi smiles warmly to which I only quirk an eyebrow in cofusion.

"I guess it's settled then," Ukai announces, "Kageyama the first year setter is benched." My eyes widen at the sudden realization, instead of quitting theyre forcing me to watch instead.

My eyes suddenly have the urge to water. Why do they want me here? I'm the worst. They don't even know half the story between Hinata and I yet they keep being idiots.

I hold it in though, I don't cry and instead simply nod at the coach's declaration. All these pent up feelings, all these secrets and lies, they're killing me and filling me up like a baloon that doesn't know it's sensitive limits. I'm just not sure how long it will be until I pop and let out all the things I wanted to tell them under positive circumstances.

"I know that this is a bit sudden but the Nekoma coach has called me to let me know that if we are unable to make it to the training camp that they invited us to, they understood." Takeda lets us know, his voice isn't as soft as usual but rather determined and informative. I can tell he's struggling to be here for us through the events as of late, none of us signed up for something like this.

"We can't put all of Yachi's hard work to waste," Yamaguchi speaks up, "While the rest of us have been grieving in our own worlds, she's thrown herself into her work."

"Tadashi's right," Daichi confirms with a nod of his head, yet the doubt of how we will be able to hold ourselves still lingers in the room. Not a single person willing to touch on it quite yet.

"This will be good for us I think. Not only will we be able to get stronger but we'll get used to playing without... we'll get used to playing like this," Nishinoya says trying to look forward positively, fooling everyone in the room except me. I catch his mishap but I choose to ignore it.

"Alright I think it's about time you boys head home and rest up," The coach declares with a smile. A sore attempt to lighten the mood I think but the others seem to fall straight in. They pick up their shoulders amd begin to tease each other as usual while they make their way out of the gym.

I follow them, trailing behind idly as I wallow in my own hurt. Normally Hinata and I would stay longer to touch the ball just a little longer; touch eachother a little longer.

The air is humid as one would expect diring the transition from winter to spring. Hinata would love this sort of weather to jump around in. He always seemed to hate the cold, so I'm sure the humid cool would have been a nice change for him.

I wish he would have waited.

Instead, I guess it was too cold for him to take. I would have helped warm him up if he had let me. I'd have taken every bit of cold away if he would have just told me.

My steps become faster as I think of him.

I should have noticed his shivering from the beginning.

I hear my my running feet align with my heart.

I should have lended him my coat without even asking if he was cold.

My feet stop, breath heavy.

"I WOULD HAVE KEPT YOU WARM," I scream out into the darkness. My eyes begin to water and this time I allow them to flow as they please.

"God it hurts so bad!" I scream out into the darkness ahead. My whimpers and sobs only increase in volume as I allow myself to break all alone. I need this. I need to let it out. "Hinata you fucking idiot, you fucking shit."

I clench myself and sit in the middle of the road not caring about the possibility of getting hit. There isn't a car or person in site and in all honesty if I were to get hit. It's not like I'd have anyone worth being afraid to leave behind.

beep

I look down at my phone, the tears dripping across the dimly lit screen.

Mom

Where are you?

Me

On my way.

I pick myself up off the ground and run toward my home the tears streaming rapidly down my face.

I wasn't done yet.

I wasn't done wallowing in my self pity.

I wasn't done hating myself.

Just one more minute.

One more minute of wishing he was here.

When I reach my door finally, I'm completely out of breath. I wipe my eyes and steady my breathing. I don't want to show them how I really feel. I already spent the week after finding out completely weak and vulnerable but I have to be strong now.

I have to make everyone think that I'm okay.

Hinata was just a teammate.

He was just my friend.

10/24/20


	6. Confession [H]

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW// unstable parents
> 
> Hinata reflects on Kageyama’s confession while managing his home life.

"Kageyama, do you like me?" I asked my heart pounding at the sudden realization. I tried to look back at everything that could give me a sign but was interrupted before I could find them.

"Isn't it obvious," He asked not meeting my eyes, "It became quite clear to me that you didn't return my feelings a long time ago. I just thought that if I kept trying to get closer to you. You would be notice, but you were too much of a moron to figure it out for yourself."

"Kageyama, I had no idea," I muttered feeling small in front of his confident presence. It was similar to as when he was on the court. All that time ago when he walked in and I couldn't take my eyes off him, it was the same. Except that time I didn't have the urge to beat him, I had the urge to be with him.

"That's why I'm telling you now. I know you've never thought about me this way but I'm asking you now. I'll wait for your answer," he confessed effortlessly. I only nodded and looked down at my feet.

"I guess I should head back now, you know to think," I smiled. I didn't want him to think his feelings would change anything between us. Despite not knowing how I felt yet, I was positive that Kageyama was my best friend.

"Hinata, one last thing before you go," he requested and I only looked up at him with a soft smile in response. It didn't take long for his arms to wrap around my small frame. I returned the hug and allowed myself to melt in his embrace. I wasn't sure of my feelings yet, but I knew on thing, with Kageyama I felt safe.

Soon though, our embrace ended and without a word spoken he looked at me with caring eyes and walked away. I stayed in my spot though and held my chest.

I breathed out slowly and let myself gather composure. Kageyama was warm, and it filled me up with warmth as well. I wanted to stay in that moment a longer. I wanted to understand it better and how it made me feel.

Sadly though, the linger I stood in place, the more if his warmth thr vanished from my body. When my heart beat slowed and my insides became cold I began to walk the rest of the way toward my home.

When I arrived there was no dinner on the table, only a hungry little sister and a mother locked in her bedroom.

“Big brother you’re home!” Natsue squealed at my arrival. I immediately picked her up and gave her a hug.

“Where’s Dad?” I asked although I was sure that I already knew the answer.

“He left when mommy started crying,” She answered and I only nodded in response, “Do you know why mommy is always crying?”

“Well, when do you usually cry?” I asked as I set her down to start preparing dinner.

“I cry when I’m upset, like when I lose something I like,” she responded. I smiled down at her as I filled up a pot and set it on the stove to boil.

“It’s the same for Mom, when Dad is lost, she cries,” I responded trying to make the conversation clear enough for a six year old to understand.

“Why does she cry even when he’s here though?” I sighed and looked down at her curious self. I wasn’t quite sure how to answer her questions but I also knew that if I tried to ignore her she’d start to bawl.

“When you get big, you’ll find someone who’s feeling you rely on. When they’re sad, you’re sad. That’s how it is for Mom and Dad,” I told her the best I could. I was well aware that someone her age couldn’t begin to understand the idea of romantic love but that explanation was the best I could do. “That’s what love is.”

“I don’t ever want that, I only want to be upset when I’m upset. What if you love a grouch, then you’d be upset all the time,” she complained childishly and unintentionally my thoughts wandered to Kageyama.

“Well, when they’re happy you’re happy and so you do everything you can to make them happy,” I explained to her, “and I guess, if you’re the one person who can make a grouch happy it makes that love feel a bit more special.”

I could tell she had more to ask but just as she was about to open her mouth to ask more questions the water began to boil for me to throw the noodles in the pot and I became busy with cooking.

As I prepared our meal for the night Natsu went to her room and I let my thoughts wander back to my night with Kageymama. My feelings for him were confusing seeing as the first time we met I hated his guts. We became friends in only a matter of days though, and to whatever we were at that moment in a matter of weeks.

I wasn’t sure if I liked Kageyama the way he liked me but if I went by what I had discussed with Natsu I was sure that I felt some way toward him.

Kageyama was most definitely a grouch, but with me, he was different. He was definitely still a grouch, calling me a dumbass or bopping me on the head like a dog. The difference was though, that I could tell he was more playful than he was with the others. We made each other better and I liked that I had that affect on him. We pushed each other constantly and we cared for each other.

How did I feel about him though.

As I gave Natsu her food and wrapped my mothers in plastic to set inside her room. I thought about what liking Kageyama would mean for me. I didn’t want to end up the way Mom is.

I creeped inside her bedroom, she was wrapped inside her blankets as sorrowful as ever. I placed the plate at her bedside table and made my way out before grabbing my own amd eating with Natsu.

I cleaned the dishes.

I got Natsu ready for bed.

I laid on my bed alone.

It was a routine for me to act as Natsu’s parent since our own were always fighting. I don’t think she really understood that though. I was glad for that, happy she didn’t realize how messed up our family was.

The question of whether or not I liked Kageyama had become even more complicated in my head as I had another question to ask myself.

Did I have room for Kageyama in my life?

That night was only the beginning of my thoughts about him. He was patient with me, going days without bringing it up or pushing me for an answer.

I could tell he was anxious in the way he looked at me. He was good at hiding most of his feelings and pretending things didn’t bother him when they did. He could push away things easily.

He could push away his feelings for me.

That was how I realized my feelings for him. I didn’t want him to stop liking me because he could just as easily like someone else and I hated the sound of that.

I wanted Kageyama to like only me.

I was just scared of what that meant.

11/1/20


	7. Secrets [K]

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> tw// mention of death
> 
> Kageyama goes to the training camp and runs into Kenma and Kuroo who unexpectedly know more about his and Hinata’s relationship than he thought.

The ride to Tokyo is different than first time we took it. Every experience without Hinata is different, not having him beside me, it's excruciating. The last time we went to tokyo was for a practice match against Nekoma, Hinata spent the entire time messaging Kenma. He was so bouncy it was crazy and he wouldn't stop talking about it either. 

I remember being outwardly annoyed by it but in my head I know I really enjoyed seeing him so excited. That was one of the things that made me love him so much, was the fact he knew how I felt. I was such an ass to him sometimes, but he didn't seem to mind and just trusted that I loved him.

As the bus pulls in I look out the window to see Nekoma and Fukurodani standing, ready to greet us. I trudge out the bus along with the others, not really looking forward to socializing with anyone. Last time we were here it wasn't so bad, I just trudged along behind Hinata as he hung out with Kenma. Kuroo and I spoke a few words as well, not a lot though.

I hang my head down as everyone else socializes and begins walking in the building with everyone else. Accidentally, I knock shoulders with someone and look to my right seeing Kenma. 

"Oh, I'm sorry Kenma," I speak trying to apologize but he suddenly stops in his track, me stopping as well. I look forward to see Suga giving me a look before walking ahead with the rest of the team.

"Kageyama," Kenma whispers quietly. I hum in response, not knowing what to say to him. Kenma's never really spoken to me, the most I've heard his voice were from the mumbles he would speak to Hinata.

"Did you need anything," I ask him, not expecting to catch him by surprise as he jerks his head toward me.

"I just wanted... to know if you were okay." he spoke out nervously, "I know how much you meant to shouyo."

My eyes widen at his words and I look away from him momentarily, unsure of what to say. Kenma was Hinata's friend, he wasn't mine. Yet here he is, switch placed in his pocket, asking me how I am. I'm obviously not okay, but still, I can't make anyone worry.

Hinata was just... my best friend after all. 

"I'm okay, he was my best friend after all, I'm sure you feel the same," I lied gritting my teeth but Kenma seemed taken aback.

"Oh," he spoke out softly, he tightly clutched his jacket before looking me in the ehes once again, "Why are you lying to me, Kageyama."

"Wh- what are you talking about" I ask looking down at him, his expression is really something. Definitely not what I'd expect from the second year in the time I've known him.

"It's nothing," he shakes his head before turning to walk in the direction our respective teams had gone, "We should catch up with the others."

Kenma begins to make his way toward the empty classrooms that we'll be sleeping in and grabs his device out of his pocket. The bright screen letting me know that he was done with out previous conversation. We walk in silence, untile we come to a crossways.

"Karasuno is to the right, Nekoma is to the left, this is where we part," He tells me, I only hum in response until suddenly he takes my hand. He looks at me with widened eyes as though he's shocked with his own actions, he doesn't let go of my hand though and instead relaxes his arm and grip.

"Kenma?" I question and his eyes get watery. "Hey are you okay?"

"You know when I asked about shouyo, that wasn't the reaction I was expecting," He tells me dropping his game to the floor.

"Hey be careful you're gonna break your stuff," I say releasing myself from his grip and grabbing the nintendo for him.

I try to hand it to him but he doesn't take it and instead begins to sob. I'm taken aback by his sudden burst of emotion. It's out of character for him to be this way. He rubs at his eyes and clutches his chest not looking at me.

"Be careful keeping secrets like this one Kageyama," he lets out, "I know what Shouyo really is to you."

"What, I how could you?" I question suddenly feeling guilty.

"You said he was your best friend right? Well that can't be true because he was mine," he admits suddenly grabbing his device out of my hands.

"Kenma, I'm really so~" 

"Kenma what's taking you so long- oh am I interrupting something," the bold and familiar voice of Kuroo speaks out, he looks down at Kenma, undoubtedly noticing his pink eyes and puffy cheeks. Damn it, I hope he doesn't think I hurt him or something.

"I think I'm gonna head back now," Kenma states looking up at Kuroo before beginning to walk away.

"Oh, I see you finally got the chance to talk about Hinata huh?" He asks with a small smile.

"I- Yeah," I replied and he gave me a pat on the shoulder. 

"I'm really sorry for your loss man, you must have loved him I mean I couldn't imagine if I lost Kenma," he tells me with a sympathetic look. My eyes widen at the realization, first Kenma... and now Kuroo?

"W-wait how many people know," I ask with a shaky voice clearly confusing the player in front of me. 

"Know what?" he asks with a quirked brow. I appreciate Kuroo easiness with me. He's the first person since the incident to not look, to not speak to me with such pity but at at this moment I need answers.

"How many.... know that he and i were, were boyfriends." He seems shocked by my question his eyes widening and stepling a foot back from me.

"Don't tell me.."

"How many people know?" I question once again.

"Everyone, everyone in Nekoma." He replies.

"Do me a favor," I ask, "tell them to not say anything about it to Karasuno."

"How? How can you not tell your teammates?" he asks seemingly dissapointed.

"I don't want them to know," I reply simply, clearly ticking him off.

"What were you embarrassed of him," he smirks pissing me off.

"Bastard-," I growl out but he only laughs making me more pissed off. "Of course I wasn't embarrassed of him, how could even say that to me."

"Keeping a secret like this Kageyama, is only going to keep you off the court longer," he replies shaking his head. "Don't you think they deserve to know after all theyve done for you."

"What are you talking about?"

"I keep up with that friend of yours you know? Tsukishima Kei." he replies.

"We aren't friends."

"You should go ahead and tell them about your boyfriend, everyone on that team is worried about you and no wonder why if you're keeing secrets like this from them. I promise you Kageyama keeping something like this to yourself won't make you a better player and it sure as hell won't do any good for Hinata," He replies completely ignoring my statement about Tsukishima.Why did he even bring up Tsukishima anyway? Was it to prove his point.   
thank 

"I will, I'll them, just not yet. So for now, will you just... make sure they don't find out."

"All I can promise is that I'll make sure it's the one they hear it from. Good day, I'll see you later." He replies leaving me alone.

They know about Hinata and I?

How?

And why were they so okay with it?

11/8/20


	8. Kiss Me [H]

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hinata takes Kageyama to a special place and proceeds to give him an answer.

I often found myself in an infinite state of falling.

There used to be days where I would tuck Natsu into her bed and I'd lay in my room with a heavy heart and this ringing in my ears that I couldn't explain. During the day it'd leave me alone long enough to smile and let everyone know I was okay until the night time when my thoughts and an overwhelming sense of emptiness took over.

Though in the days after Kageyama's confession I began to notice that although his heart seemed to be bearing extra weight, the presence and knowledge of his internal desires took some of the extra weight off of mine. When I got home and took care of my daily hassles I still felt like I was in the same infinite state, yet for some reason someone it was less scary. As though someone was right next to me, to make the impact hurt less.

In the span of a few days, I began to realize that I did in fact share the feelings that Kageyama had for me. I still wasn't sure whether I wanted to tell him or not though. I wasn't exactly in the best position at home and I wasnt sure where his were coming from.

The Tobio Kageyama who was my teammate, my friend also liked me?

If i reciprocated those feelings with him that would also make him my boyfriend. The thought itself was enough to bring a certain flutter to my stomach. Who wouldn't be proud to have him as their lover. I was sure he had recieved plenty of confessiond from girls before. So why me?

Kageyama was a progidy. Sure, he was a bit of jerk sometimes and he always called me a dumbass but he was still amazing at his core. He was the type of person you could point at on the court and say, 'that guy, he's some one to keep your eye on.' Though, even more than that, he was the type of person you could point out in a crowd and know something was special about him. He was a mystery, an unknown among people who were easy to read.

Even his feelings were completely and totally unreadable.

I had no idea until he told me.

Even the timing was totally coincidental.

That was when it hit me.

Why did he wait until then to tell me? If I hadn't mentioned being pan would he have said anything.

"Hey Kageyama," I say out of the blue on our walk home. It'd been several days since he had confessed on not once did he push or ask for an answer. The only indicator of me on his mind, were his slouch shoulders and his behavior around me. It was as if he was trying to not get too close. Like he didn't want to hurt me, or maybe didn't want to get himself hurt.

"Yeah," he replied simply.

"Why do you like me?" I questioned. Kageyama stopped in his tracks with a pause. "When did you even start to like me, didn't you hate me when we first met?"

"Since the day you tackled me to the ground after we lost that match against Aoba Joshai." he replied simply.

"You're kidding!?" I blurted out from instinct. 

"Do I sound like I'm kidding dumbass! Listen i don't know why I started to like you, but I did. When you tackled me to the ground pissed off I felt my heart go off and I could tell it wasn't just game anxiety. It was because of you." He replied clearly frustrated.

"How do you know you werent just freaked out because I practically assaulted you," I asked insecure.

"Dumbass Hinata," He replied grabbing me by the arm and pulling me into his chest not leaving any space between us. 

"Ka-Kageyama!" I squealed out.

"Can't you just shut your trap for five seconds," he asks and I immediately oblige relaxing against Kageyama's chest. I felt his hand make contact with my orange hair pushing my head further into him.

"What are you," I mumble but quickly got a soft, 'shhh' in response from the normally anger setter. I didn't resist though and instead closed my eyes on instinct and allowed only Kageyama to fill my senses. He was warm, extremely warm, and his smell was extremely strong from the position we were in. Yet, there was one thing that stood out most.

"Do you hear that Hinata?" he questioned as his voice vibrated down to his chest. I nod my head quickly and wrap my arms around his torso to bring myself closer to the sound that Kageyama allowed me to hear.

"It's so loud," I mumbled.

"Because of you," he responded not bothering to make me pull away and I didn't. Instead, I allowed us to have this moment.

"Kiss me," I whispered causing a huge thump to erupt in Kageyama's chest and make him pull away.

"Hinata," I heard in response almost scolding like. I didnt take no for an answer though and instead just took his arm running the opposite direction from either of our original destinations. "Hinata where are you taking me."

"We're almost there," I replied instead of answering his question properly. Almost instantly, we came upon the turn I was looking for and were immediatly met with a steel fence I was all too familiar with. I immediately started to climb up and jump to the other side without hesitation. "Come on Kageyama!"

"Are you sure this isn't tresspassing?" he glared. He didn't seem worried though, hust judgemental.

"Trust me just this once," I huffed my arms crossed, rather than an argument though he did as I told and climbed over the fence, jumping down beside me. I led him just a little farther, into the wooded area.

"Please don't tell me you're trying to kill me," he questioned as we became even more immersed in tree than we were previously.

"I thought you were gonna trust me," I rolled my eyes clearing some trees as I finally recognized the spot I was trying to take us too. "We're here Kageyama come one!"

"Oh my god, Hinata what is this place?" He questioned with wide eyes, observing every spot of the place I had brought him to.

"This is my secret spot," I replied with a smile as he gaped at the place. I saw him eyeing the volleyball poles and overgrown vines covering them before his eyes moved toward the children's slide and sandbox that was overgrown with flowers.

"C'mere," I smiled and grabbed his hand having him sit on the slide. I let go of him and bent down toward the sandbox picking a single pink flower before coming back toward Kageyama and sitting directly in his lap facing him. Quickly, I stuck the flower behind his ear, a blush spread across his face immediately.

"Hinata this position is quite troublesome," He mumbled putting his head on my shoulder, a clever way to avoid eye contact without. seeming vulnerable.

"Hey Kageyama," I paused, allowing him to hum in acknowledgement before making my next move. Then quickly I turned my head slightly so my lips were right next to the setter's ear. "Kiss me."

I could feel a slight jolt in his movements from my command but nonetheless he moved back so we were face to face slowly leaning in. My heart jumped leaps and bounds as we became closer. Soon enough our noses were barely touching and I could feel his hot breath merging with my own. I looked Kageyama in the eyes before closing them, hoping it'd give him the signal to close the gap and it did. Our lips met for the very first time in a long, drawn out kiss. After the first, we kissed again, and again, just kissing each other until one of us backed out and that person was me.

"Kageyama, wait," I whispered out of breath. He stopped immediately and backed away, seemingly extremely red and flustered. I took my hand and touched the flower I had placed in his hair before sliding my hand past his ear and making my way toward his soft cheek and carressing it. After a moment he closed his eyes and leaned into my touch. I leaned forward and kissed him on the head before grabbing his head and pulling it down toward my chest. "I had, I had something I thought you should hear."

"Hinata," he whispered pulling me further into him. He didn't say anything further though until eventually he pulled away and grabbed my cheek leaning in and silently asking for another kiss. I responded immediately, allowing his lips to embrace mine once more until he eventually pulled away. "Is it safe for me to assume this is the answer to what I told you."

"I like you Kageyama, a lot," I responded taking a hold of his hand and lightly squuezing it. He smiled lightly and brought up our intertwined hands to his lip as he kissed my knuckles softly, causing my heart to burn. "I'll admit I'm not used to you being so sweet and affectionate."

"I'm usually not," he responded without hesitation. "I know you're surprised by my feelings Hinata, and I was at first too but the more you pissed me off, the more I wanted to protect that annoying smile you had. I found myself always looking toward you to push me the extra mile, to kick my ass when i was being an idiot, or to send me your words of encouragement when I didnt't have my head in the game. Yet more than that i found myself looking for you off the court too, whether it be walking home together or a glance in class. My world became absolutely filled to the brim with you."

"I don't really know if my feelings are as strong as yours are yet," I admitted to Kageyama bashfully.

"I'll wait," he responded without hesitation. "I will wait for you as long as it takes and I promise, I would never do anything to hurt you or make you feel uncomfortable with me."

"Thank you for waiting," I smiled kissing his lips once again. Kageyama was my first kiss, and somehow lips were and addicting thing as we stayed on that exact slide kissing for God knows how long. Long enough that when we parted it was already completely dark.

"We should probably go," he whispered out breathily. 

"Yeah you're right," I responded halfheartedly but instead continued kissing him. he responded though and kissed me harder pulling me closer to him than he had the whole night. 

"Dumbass Hinata," he said as he finally pulled away with a heavy breath. "We seriously have to go."

"Fine," I groaned jumping off of him and stretching my arms with a yawn before leading him out the trail from we which we came.

"You're telling me tomorrow what the hell this place is though," He demanded and I sighed.

"I know, I know."

"Don't just wave it off," he scolded.

"You know now that I'm... well whatever this is maybe you could be a little nicer," I huffed out.

"Well, what do you want us to be?" he asked as we came upon the fence from before. Only this time neither of us hesitated and jumped over at the same time.

"I guess we, we could date." I mumbled looking away from his eye sight as we landed.

"Yeah, I guess we could do that," he smirked before walking away quickly.

"Hey! You can't just say something like that and leave Kageyama!! Wait for me!"

And so that's how in a matter of just a week or so, the first year setter and I went from team mates all the way to boyfriends.

12/23/20


	9. Secret Grieving [K]

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> tw // mentions of death , depression
> 
> kageyama attempts to make up with kenma but ends up taking a lesson from kuroo instead.

The days of the training camp begin to fly by quickly, and each one I spend trying to get a hold of Kenma. I myself, know how close Hinata and him were and I would feel like a total dick if I hurt the best friend of my dead boyfriend.

"Kenma!" I call out as we're heading to our respective areas to sleep. 

"I'm busy," he replies simply, only stopping momentarily before going on his way. I clench my fists in annoyance at his actions. Dammit. Why won't he let me just make things right?

"Kenma, please," I ask through gritted teeth. I'm not normally one for grobbling but the thought of Hinata smacking me in the head for not trying pushes me forward to make this work. "Just give me a chance to fix things, I beg."

"Hah," he replies stopping in his tracks. "Is that begging I hear from the king."

"Yeah, it is," I reply holding my ground. I'd be lying if I said that I'm not even in the slightest shocked by his venoumous tone.

"As far as I know, you, are the one who started the mess you've stuck yourself in. A secret relationship? I still can't believe Shoyo was stupid enough to agree to it. The fear of homophobia still holding you back Kageyama? Are you scared your teammates will be dissapointed in you? Well you should be, not because you're gay though, because youre a coward." After giving me his input he walks on not giving me time to retaliate or defend myself. Not that I could anyway, because he's right.

"Ahahaah, you must have really pissed him off," I turn behind me to see Kuroo once again. "I don't think I've seen him say so many words at once to someone he barely knows."

"How long have you been there?" I question, head held down. I don't hear a reply but rather feel my senior patting my head.

"I'm never too far from Kenma," he replies.

"I just want to make things right," I whisper not allowing myself to become too emotional.

"You gotta understand, that kid despite being a loud mouth was Kenma's best friend." 

"You mean you're not?" I question looking up at him.

"No, I'm his boyfriend," He smirks.

"What?" I respond, quickly putting all the dots together in my head.

"Kenma and I are lovers and we have been this whole time. It's not really something we hide yknow but Kenma's pretty introverted so it's not like he carries around pride flags either. I'm surprised the shorty never told you," He laughs shaking his head.

"He never mentioned it, he did say you and kenma were close though," I state simply.

"You have a bad habit of living in your own world," Kuroo replies. "Let me take you somewhere."

"Where are you going to take me," I ask immediately matching his pace.

"I'm going to show you what you've had your backs to," he replies leading me down a few hallways, past nekoma's room until he finall stops me. "Shh, listen."

"Is this Fukuro~"

"Be quiet they'll hear you." Kuroo interrupts.

"Hey, isn't that benched first year the one that used to do that bad ass quick attack with the shorty?" Someone questions from inside the room. Though I can't see who 

"Yeah, but you know what happened Bokuto."

"It's sad."

"Obviously. Death is always sad."

"Not that, the setter. I only met Hinata once and I was heartbroken at the news. I can't imagine having been his teammate and getting benched right afterwards."

"I'm afraid it's worse than that."

"Hmm?"

"They were into each other obviously."

"Akashi!"

"What? It's true, i dont know their relationship but there was something definitely going on there."

"If that's the case, I feel extra bad for him. He's a talented kid on his own you know. Who'd have known Hinata to be depressed? It's kind of scary he always seemed so happy."

"I'm sure people say the thing about you."

"Huh?"

"I know I wonder sometimes."

"Not following you my guy."

"Just, it doesn't matter how happy someone seems. They could be bearing more pain than you can ever imagine. You always seem happy, that it makes me wonder. I don't feel like getting sappy just if there is anything that bothers you tell me."

"Awwwww! Akashi cares about me!"

"Shut up asshole."

"I think that's out que," Kuroo whispers, grabbing my hand and dragging me away from the conversation.

"What was the point of that," I ask gritting my teeth in frustration.

"I want you to see that not only are you the talk of training camp right now but WHY you are and how stupid this secret your hiding is," he replies once again leading me outside.

"What are you the ghost of christmas present," I ask rolling my eyes in annoyance. "Besides where even are we?" 

"We're going to the window by Nekoma's room," he replies beginning to crouch down under the windows and signalling me to follow.

"Why didn't we stand by the door like at Fukurodani's room?" I ask not understabding this weird guy's logic.

"Two reasons really," he responds causing me to quirk an eyebrow. "This is the window, now you can look through it but be sneaky and for the love of god shut up.

I nodded my head and looked into the dimly lit room to see Kenma and some others in Nekoma around him. Kenma was crying, not sobbing but very obviously crying. I turned toward Kuroo to ask him why they weren't doing anything but he shook his head before I could even get the words out and instead pointed for me to keep watching.

"Kenma, it seems worse tonight did something happen?" the kid i recognize as Lev asks. Kenma shoots daggers at him but sighs anyway.

"I talked to Kageyama again today," Kenma responds unenthusiastically. Lev's face drops and he looks towards the floor.

"Did it go better?" he asks and kenma shakes his head. "I'm sorry he's an ass, Hinata was his boyfriend though, I'm sure he's not in his right mind.

"No this time I was the dick," he responds montonously. I see Lev shuffle his feet as though he was trying to find a way to cheer the setter up.

"Why don't you just tell him the truth," he asks with a frown, "im sure kageyama would be willing to exchange stories about Hinata with you and if Hinata saw his bestfriend and his boyfriend bonding from the afterlife I'm sure he'd be psyched."

"I mess up every time I talk to him. I'm no... I'm no good expressing myself. I know he was good to Hinata but I just get so angry I talk before thinking," Kenma responds staring at the floor.

"You'll figure it out eventually," Lev reassures though Kenma's body language speaks differently as he glares his way.

"You're awfully annoying," he sighs.

"I think it's time," Kuroo whispers and drags me away from the conversation we just wrongfully listened in on. I feel my stomach turn inside of me. He just wants to hear more about him, he wants to share Hinata. He's hurting just like me.

"Wait Kuroo," I stop him before we arrive to our next destination. "We need to talk."

"What is there to explain?"

"Why? Why did they just let him cry like that and question him casually. They treated it like... like a routine!" I shout

"Calm your roll buddy don't get it wrong. Everyone in there truly does care for him." He says slowly, not wanting to bust my cap.

"Then why the fuck aren't they saying anything," I question childishly. I should be aware that nothing is ever black and white but the pain in kenma's eyes. I recognized it. I could feel it, I still can.

"Because it IS a routine. Kenma Kozume has cried every night since the death of Shouyo Hinata. He demands he won't be benched but he gets pissed off at anyone who tries to comfort him. Kenma, he's grieving. That's it," Kuroo replies.

"He's grieving?" I question.

"So it hasn't gotten through to you yet?" He asks with a sigh.

"I'm not sure what you want from me." I admit.

"Everyone has secret grieving Kageyama, it's not just you." He tells me.

"So?"

"Come on, we have one more team to  
visit."

12/25/20


	10. Keeping Distance [H]

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> tw // mention of home issues
> 
> Hinata runs late for school and falls off his bike, resulting in an intense moment knside the nurse’s office.

**Jerk Kageyama**

Good morning, Hinata

**Dumbass Hinata**

turn off autocaps >:(

also good morning <3

**Jerk Kageyma**

Why do you even care?

**Dumbass Hinata**

because autocaps are ugly duh

**Jerk Kageyama**

You're a dumbass.

Don't eat breakfast before you leave today. I bought you something.

I woke up that morning to a highly expected text message. Kageyama and I had been dating a week already and his morning text message never failed to send yet. The first time I saw it though, my heart skipped a beat or two before I could figure out what to say.

Originally I was under the assumption that not much would change between Kageyama and I except a new and exciting label and the permission to be physically intimate to a certain extent. The thing I failed to realize though, is that Kageyama excells in everything he does, other than academics of course.

In romance and dating though, Kageyama was a fast learner and somehow a progidy. You wouldn't think it, especially from a setter that was so hell bent on doing his own thing that his teammates abandonded him. I always thought they were crappy teammates anyway. As hard as getting along with dictator Kageyama would seem at first glance, you shouldn't leave behind a teammate.

In many ways it made me feel special, to be Kageyama's spiker, the freak duo, his boyfriend. The setter that gave out sets no one could hit, i could, the setter that couldn't get along with others, kissed me in private. They didn't know anything that we did. In the week we'd been dating he showed me a whole new side of him. He held my hand and walked me home every night, he randomly gave me gifts, and asked for kisses in return. Even more than that I noticed he looked toward me more often, whether in the hallway or the middle of the class, I would look up and be greeted with something of a smile.

It made me so happy and better yet,nothing had gone wrong. Even practice had stayed the same, some might even say it was going better. He scolded me as much as he did before but that was expected and our chemisty had become loads stronger. Even Sugawara pointed it out, although he's always been quite the observer.

"Shoyo hurry up!" I heard through the door, "Mama's asleep I want breakfast!"

"Okay! I'm coming" I yelled back to Natsu. As much as I wanted to throw on a t-shirt and run to Kageyama. I wasn't about to be the asshole that let his little sister go hungry.

"What are you going to make?" She asked me, trying her best to sit on a stool in front of the counter. The sight made me laugh to myself as her little legs struggled to pull herself up on the chair.

"Well, I'm a in a bit of a rush so I'll probably just toast something," I replied as I came around and pulled her up onto the chair. She only nodded her head in response as I ran through the kitchen and made her something to eat.

"I'm gonna go now okay Natsu!" I yelled already at the front door. "Don't forget your lunch is in the fridge."

"Wait big brother!" She screamed jumping off the tall chair and falling before getting up quickly.

"Hey be more careful. Don't hurt yourself," I scolded as she waddled her way toward where I was standing.

"Why didn't you eat breakfast," she huffed out with an accusatory point. Her cheeks were puffed out as well, indicating to me that she was in fact feeling clever.

"It's not a big deal Natsu, a friend already bought me something," I replied, ruffling her head and doing my best to rush out the door.

"Is it the big one?" She questioned pulling me back by my shirt.

"I don't even know what you mean, I'm sorry Natsu but I really have to go. I promise I will answer all your questions later." I pleaded trying to get past the door.

"Hmm, fine okay," She huffed with a cute pout. I sighed in relief at the lack of argument.

"Thank you, I'll make it up to you later," I promised running out side and hopping on bike in the matter of a few moments before speeding off.

The ride to the outside of Karasuno High's entrance was somehow shorter than usual, or at least that's how it felt as I sped through town to meet Kageyama before classes started. I couldn't help but feel exhilarated at the change in pace that had occured in my life. My days that were revolved only around volleyball and caring for Natsu when our parents fought were now filled with something else.

"Kageyama!" I yelled breaking my bike as I reached the school very quickly. I didn't do a very good job though seeing as that quick stop caused me to fly off bike tumbling forward.

"Hinata you dumbass!" I heard familiarly as someone helped lift me up off the ground.

"Haha, I guess I should have slowed down a little quicker huh," I laughed out scratching the back of my head.

"You know I wouldn't have minded if you were late," Kageyama mumbled suddenly pulling me closer by the hand that was behind my head.

"Hey what was that f- Ow!" I yelled as he inspected my arm and suddenly jabbed my elbow that was already bleeding.

"You're bleeding," he stated now looking at my other arm.

"Well duh," I replied showing off my also scraped up hands and knees. "It's okay, I'll just clean them up with soap in the bathroom."

"We're going to go to the nurse," Kageyama decided not even giving me a chance to argue before he decided to walk toward the highschool.

"Hey wait for me!" I whined picking my bike up and rolling it beside me as I caught up to Kageyama.

"Give me that," Kageyama sighed taking the bike from me and dragging it himself.

"You know you really don't have to do that," I looked down embarrassed.

"You should be more careful, it's only a light scrape but what if you cut yourself and needed stitches," Kageyama lectured as I listened half heartedly, "You wouldn't be able to spike the ball and we would be screwed."

"Sorry, I was running late because of Natsu and got a little rushed," I admitted as we came upon the school.

"You're littler sister?" Kageyama questioned almost as if he wasn't sure of himself. I nodded in response as I watched him tie my bike up to it wouldn't get stolen. "What'd she want that made you so late?"

"I had to make her breakfast and then she suddenly wanted to bombard me with questions," I replied with a roll of my eyes. Suddenly, Kageyama grabbed me by the wrist, dragging me through the crowded hallways. "Hey what's this for!"

"Shouldn't that be your mom's job," He questioned instead of answering me. I wasn't quite sure how to answer that question considering Kageyama didn't really know anything about what home was like. Whether it be that my parents are consistently fighting or the fact that she's always holed up in her room. Life at home, in it's core, I find to be very sad. Natsu makes it better but as a whole when I'm other places I like to think about other things. People don't usually like me much when I'm sad.

"I don't think that's something I can answer," I replied suddenly pulling my hand away from him in the middle of the hallway.

Kageyama suddenly turned around with widened eyes. Quickly, the world around me that had been invisible became clear. A second ago it was just Kageyama and I in this hallway but suddenly I look around and see several shocked faces.

"Hinata, you're crying." Kageyama stated, pulling me out of my sudden anxiety.

"Oh well look at that I am!" I laughed out wiping at my eyes quickly. "No need to worry about me, I'm fine really. I didn't even realize to be honest."

"Dumbass," Kageyama grits out grabbing my hand and quickly dragging me all the way to the nurse's office without hesitation. The second we step inside he slams shut the door and places me on a bed before shutting a curtain.

"What is going on with- hmph!" I ask before I'm suddenly attacked with a hug.

"Don't look so sad like that, not when I'm right next to you," He murmured holding me close.

"I'm seriously fine! I wasn't sad at all so you can stop worrying," I laughed patting his back but instead of letting it go he pulled away and turned hus back toward me, going through the nurse's cabinets.

"You know I'd appreciate it if you didn't lie to me," He told me setting what he grabbed on the table next to us.

"What are you talking abo- Ahh! That hurts Kageyama," I yelled at him as he poured alcohol on my scraped up knees and dabbed at them with cotton. He didn't say anything though and instead treated every cut on my body in silence. Putting on the very last bandaid, he finally looked up at me.

"You don't have to tell me what's going on Hinata. I'm not a total asshole despite what I seem. So I'm not going to push you, but I can tell something is wrong when you make that face." He finally spoke leaning in toward my face.

“I’m okay Kageyama,” I told him. I could tell he didn’t quite believe me and so I leaned in the rest of the way locking our lips in a semi-quick kiss. “If I need to talk to you, I will tell you what’s going on okay?”

“You promise,” He asked, eyes almost pleading and so I nodded my head.

“Promise.”

Looking back now, maybe if I had kept that promise. Things may have turned out different.

12/31/20


End file.
